You have my attention

So, last full day here at Pine Summit. It's been a fun two weeks for sure: all the prayer time, worship, watching kids puke up a gallon of milk, precious 30 min naps, hectic last minute media changes, testimonies, snack times, and of course my essential little bowl of oatmeal and cup of orange juice in the morning. Been so much fun chilling with the kids, and occasionally having some one-on-one time with God.

Maybe going to the lake today? Fingers crossed.
Only one more week to go of SMT, crazy its gone by so fast, yet also at the same time lasted forever.
P.s. today is Bailey's birthday, she is now officially 20! I've been blessed to have gotten to know her more this trip. Not only is she hilarious, she is incredibly down-to-earth, and a great listener and accountability partner.
Be praying for myself and the rest of the team as we hit the ending stretch (a little over a week left!) that we keep up the energy level, and impact lives!
P.s.s been listening to John Mark McMillan, Foster the People, Daft Punk remixes, and the song You Have My Attention by Copeland (Brandon and Geron sing it constantly.. the chorus is great)

Youtube videos to look up: (shown at camp last night)
Tallest High Dive- man does an insane high dive, pretty sure the location is at Seaworld in SD. It's pretty old (you can tell by the crowd's fashion sense ha) but still incredible. Makes me feel even more like a wimp for being nervous during the high rope's course.
Watermelon in the face- a team of two sisters on a random game show try to launch a watermelon, and it comes back and hits one of them in the face. Epic.
Freestyle Ghosting-I want to try this..

Taking a break

So excited to have a little down time today, we're at a hotel in Hisperia. I feel like a little kid in a candy store with the indoor pool and fitness center, plush beds and complimentary morning breakfast. Should be a good time of relaxation before heading back to Pine Summit.
Looking back this past week was such a time of growth for me personally, and as a team. Not only did I conquer the high ropes course (which didn't look too bad from the ground...), I am learning more and more to be on my toes with the whole media thing. Kind of a lesson in surrendering the need to have everything in line and trusting that God will be able to make something out of the little things I do.
Wish I had taken a picture of all the kids with their hands raised in worship, so beautiful and inspiring.
Still realizing I am holding onto connections from home. I thought that maybe SMT would be a way to almost escape some of it and refocus. But there always seems to be down-time where I am missing somebody.
In the meantime, the team has become more of a family this past week though, and I'm sure we will continue to share more experiences and be meeting more incredible people at the different camps (thoroughly enjoyed spending time with parents and kids alike this past week). And all this time working with mediashout has caused me to really reflect on lyrics that reflect things I want to say to my Father, but maybe don't know the right words. Ironically, the most impacting parts of songs usually ends up being the Bridge, where the lyrics and melody temporarily change from the rest of the song. Proof that change can sometimes be a good thing.

"Take my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like you have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for your kingdom's cause. As I go from nothing to eternity."

mid-week reflection

So its Wednesday night here with the Anaheim camp at Big Bear camp, getting to the point of exhaustion but totally worth it! Been working on the media which I love, except I am spending so much time dissecting the songs that it makes it difficult to be able to fully engage in worship. Granted I am worshipping when I am making the slides or when I am praying with my team. But I realize that the commas, the backgrounds, and those things that I stress over before the set contribute to someone else's ability to worship and communicate with our Heavenly Father.
And that is a rad concept to think about.
The team has become even more of a family to me, and I feel blessed to be able to work with such talented and fun people.
Missing people from home a little bit. I do love it here but hearing my mom's voice today, and seeing pictures of friends going on hikes without me make me miss home (and of course the amazing meals that come with that! ) Trying my best not to get distracted by things pulling me back home. Even here I find myself easily distracted by off-roading in golf carts and other various things but there have been some amazing conversations here that I wouldn't trade for the world.
Side notes: been craving Cheesecake Factory for the past two weeks, I LOVE the look of the full moon through the silhouettes of trees and surrounding visible stars, and it is insane how dirty feet get at camp!

and already the stories begin...

Night one..Whittier CA.
Set up at the church here went up way faster than last time, probably because we had a few extra hands helping.
Starting to get a little nervous for our groups first "performance" tomorrow, for lack of a better word. But trying to remind myself who it is we are really playing the songs for.
The pastor here told us about his life, about his dealing with Crohn's disease ever since he was younger, and about the two times he had died, but came back to life. So heavy and crazy to think about, but his story allows him to be able to connect with people who are about to pass on a totally different level, and that is such a blessing. He described dying as being peaceful, which makes the whole experience sound a little more comforting.
Staying at a home with an awesome family (with many extended members) that conveniently live right across from the church. We talked about the depressing yet encouraging stories of losing loved ones that are behind so many old hymns (definitely makes me appreciate them more than I did before), and on a slightly lighter note a friend of the family described a story involving a recipe called Frosty Paws (an ice cream for dogs?) that she recently shared in a chatroom. Apparently a random person joined halfway through the conversation asking for the recipe. Turns out they made it for their new in-laws thinking it was a normal human dessert item and they loved it so much they added it to their church recipe book not even realizing the recipe is for their canine companions. I almost died laughing. Remind me to thoroughly check recipes before I make them in the future for any in-laws!
Off to bed..church in the morning and gotta be up even earlier to do some last minute alterations on the slides and get ready. I don't know if I'll ever get a hang of this getting up early thing.

Expanding horizons

So we started our week of training here on campus. I confess it's been hard to fully concentrate on the team when the weather has been so sunny and with other friends staying on campus. But it has been definitely exhausting.
We've been practicing at a local church, and already I'm proud at the progress I've been making in terms of learning the mediashout program, and even with my directional sense in terms of doing errands around el cajon and various parts of SD (have yet to get lost! ....knock on wood).
Trying not to get sick, even if that means forcing myself to go to bed earlier on some nights, and chug water more than I want to. The early mornings are definitely getting to me, probably should have trained my body before this, oh well.
Went on a good run tonight with one of my team members. Was so nice to be out on the track running in the dark under the stars and full moon, and I ran further than I have previous times running there! (Might have been because I was borrowing my friend's running shoes, she does track). Felt so good afterwards, although I'm sure I will be feeling it tomorrow...

Changing Seasons

So I realized today that I haven't been on here since school has ended and summer has begun. In many ways I'm still the same person dealing with the same struggles. But in some ways my life has changed. I've grown and challenged myself, and seen areas where I have been able to make a small difference in someone else's life. Or rather in a handful of Jr Higher's lives, girls with broken families and pasts, who have been forced to grow up faster then they should have to. But the resulting rewarding feeling of being able to pray for these girls and hopefully be someone they could look up to far outweighed the exhaust I was feeling from the lack of sleep and running around.
And that was just a week.
I am about to embark on a four week journey (SMT) with some peers turned good friends, and play worship music at various camps and churches along the way. I am beyond excited about this opportunity and the experiences it will bring, also hopeful, nervous, and honestly a little sad to be leaving my friends and family for a bit (didn't really hit until my Dad started tearing up when saying goodnight).
So with bags packed (and probably lacking something important that I won't remember until I get far enough away), an open yet slightly overwhelmed mind, and the prayers of those close to me I am ready to hopefully continue making a difference and take a break from concentrating on my life.
I also will try and update this with stories and whatnot soon.
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine, to Him be the glory"

Laughter is the best advil

I had an epiphany today. On Wednesdays for some odd reason, I feel more pessimistic than on any other day of the week. Granted it is my longest day class wise, and the day I have my 3 hour night class that almost inevitably makes me late for Time Out.
Often it is so easy for me to dwell on little things in my head. To be overly critical about things I should have said, or situations I could have made better. No wonder I find myself exhausted most days.
My friend and I were just getting out of my Bible class, after my teacher legitimately flipped us off as we exited the classroom after a normal day's session, when we started talking. Surface level to start out with: weather, headaches, schoolwork, agendas. Until we reached a grassy area where we planned to simply lay our down our bags and bodies and soak up the warm sunshine.As our conversation got deeper, I realized that my friend and I were even more similar than I had originally thought. Often the thoughts she spoke resembled ones I myself had been recently mulling over.
The hour or so we spent just talking and relating and laughing about stupid things gave me the hope that maybe Wednesday's aren't so bad.
And that worrying about those trivial things only takes away from those moments of healing and connecting with those I care about.

Please hold..

So I am currently at the AT&T store waiting for my friend, and trying out the ipad..which is extremely addictive. It's amazing what a desire we have to stay connected with people, we can't go 3 hours without using our phone, we can't go two days without checking our Facebook. As girls we don't like going to the bathroom alone. Our culture has become more and more dependent on staying in touch with people at all times. Everyone always asks what my greatest fear is..while I normally respond with Killer Whales, I'm starting to think it's the fear of being disconnected.

Shuffle

     I apologize for the amount of time it has been since I last wrote on here. There have been a few extremely defining moments that have occurred since my last post. While I don't care to write the specifics, I will say that recently I have been working through the illustrations of destruction in my mind. Pictures from my past shuffle in my brain, intermixing with pictures I have seen of the devastation that has been occurring in Japan.
     While I realize the pain and confusion I have been dealing with is minor in comparison with that of an 8.9 earthquake and massive tsunami waves, the pain is nonetheless real to me.
   I have not lost my home, but I have lost something that I found comfort and familiarity in. I have not seen buildings crumble, but I've felt the shake of something I thought was solid. I have not been swallowed by water, but waves of emotion that one second seem easily conquerable, can in the next, seem overwhelming and unmanageable.
     I am not alone in these thoughts. So many others on campus are hurting as well. Day after day I overhear conversations about losing loved ones, about the workload that seems too overwhelming, about the personal struggles people are trying to make sense of.
     And all I can do is pray for a firm foundation.

Hamburger

Walked up to a girl sitting by herself in my night class tonight. As I set my books and laptop down on the desk next to her, I asked her what it was she was eating. I assumed it was a West Coast Chicken Sandwich from the cafe here on campus, because it is a sandwich I get regularly and am particularly fond of. I was surprised when she answered it was a hamburger. It definitely didn't look like any hamburger I had ever eaten but I decided not to press the issue further.
I feel bad admitting the fact that I have sat next to this girl for about the past five classes, and tonight was the first night I found out her name. When answering, her eyes shifted nervously from me to her sandwich, as if I was going to steal it from her.
Shelby.
I smiled expecting her to ask me the same question back, but she never did. After waiting a few seconds to be sure she wasn't going to say anything, I took advantage of the opportunity to go to the bathroom before our three hour class started, and left Shelby to devour her hamburger in silence.

Quote

Took this photo on the way to class

Being loved by someone gives you strength

While loving someone deeply gives you courage

-Lao Tzu

I have been reflecting on this quote for awhile now. Ever since I first saw it in a book (in Anthropologie obviously) and took a picture of it with my phone (and proceeded to make it my main background) I have been kind of obsessed. 
Not only is the quote precious, it is so extremely true. 
Being loved instills a unique kind of confidence in a person. And loving someone else enough to take risks and make sacrifices can definitely be scary at times. 
I am lucky to have been able to experience both feelings.

Only one Bachelor left in the world

I don't get addicted to too many shows. If I took the time to intentionally catch up on the one's my friends watch, I would probably thoroughly enjoy them.
But for some unexplainable reason, I have been watching The Bachelor this season.
The lucky guy is named Brad Womack, a 38 year old dirty blonde-haired Texan, looking to find love..for the second time. He apparently was on the show a while back, and after breaking some hearts, he left after not proposing to anyone.
He now claims to be a changed man.
While I haven't seen all the seasons, the episodes I have seen have some obvious patterns. The drama (the obvious result of putting a giant group of emotional, single, drunk girls in a house and having them compete for one male), the roses (awarded to every girl who can make it to the next level and avoid elimination), the exotic locations ( I can't help think about the piece we just read by Jamaica Kincaid about being tourists; traveling to poverty stricken areas to enjoy ourselves), and of course the host: Chris Harrison.
Yet still, I watch. I stay hooked waiting to find out if my "favorites" advance onto the next round, waiting to see which one he will choose.
These women have become a box of chocolates, waiting for Brad to sample each one until he chooses one he so desires, and place the other half-eaten ones back in the box.

Leaves

Today is a blustery day. Walking to class, I had to clutch my sweater tighter around me in an attempt to add some warmth from the hectic and crisp wind surrounding me.
Every day, it has become my routine to walk up these stairs (I realize I mentioned these stairs in an earlier post).
In the process of walking up them, I looked up and saw leaves swirling around in the wind. Carried about, just out of reach.
At this point in my life, I have so many opportunities, ideas, plans, and hopes that are floating around me. While usually my tendency is to get overwhelmed, or go out of my way to force an opportunity to happen, I am in the process of trying a new way to approach these things. In that, I let them approach me, and trust the force behind them.
Finally I reached the last step, and started walking forward until I heard a crunch. I looked down to see that I had stepped on a brown leaf that had fallen to my feet. I stared at it for a brief moment.
Then continued walking..

San Diego Discoveries!

So, recently I have had a few opportunities to find some "hidden treasure" locations very close to school. I love that just when you think you know the area where you live, you discover another gem that truly makes you appreciate living here. For me, these gems include a beautiful running path next to a harbor (complete with mini private beaches, a little dock, cute houses to look at, and even a tree swing!) and a cute little brunch place called To the Point that had the same cozy feeling that one experiences when entering Anthropologie. And the food was great too!

Life is truly about the little things

Observations

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Another 7:00 alarm promptly goes off.
And I promptly slap my phone located next to my bed and turn it off.
Slowly I slide out from under my warm cocoon, and find the clothes I had laid out the night before (because clearly early mornings are not the best times to cordinate an outfit). I stumble to the mirror and attempt to put makeup on and throw my hair in a half decent ponytail. Thankfully, I have stocked up on mini bottles of orange juice and so I quickly grab a bottle from my mini fridge and head out the door.
As I walk down the hall and head out the larger door on the outside of my dorm, I see two people sitting on the steps in front of me. Their bodies clumped together in the middle of the stairway, exactly where I needed to walk. I mumbled a "scuse me" and climbed my way around them. Glancing back I doubt they even noticed that I had passed. They looked too preoccupied, staring lovingly at each other with eyes tucked behind glasses, messy brown hair, and oversized sweatshirts.
As I walk to class I think about all the awkward couples I have seen over the years, particularly ones here on campus. They seem to lurk around every dark hidden corner, or on the opposite end of the spectrum, stand in the middle of a walkway without any care about the mass amounts of people around them watching their PDA.
I question what exactly makes a couple an "awkward couple". Is it the appearances of the individuals? Or maybe the location or actions of the couple?
These thoughts never used to cross my mind. But now I have a boyfriend, and I still hope to God that we are not, nor ever will be one of those awkward couples sitting in the middle of a stairway at 7:30 in the morning.

Getting familiar.

Walking down the hall in my dorm is second nature to me. I pass the same wooden doors pretty much daily, seeing the familiar white name tags beside them. And even as I walk into the bathroom, my feet walk on the same stonework, the room filled with the same familiar glow, I think about nothing. Yet it is in this setting that I once experienced "newness". 

It was just a year ago that I visited my best friend who lived on this same hall. Except a year ago, walking on this hall had a totally different feel to it. Even the bathroom felt new, almost luxurious. Kind of like a hotel, an unfamiliar space not yet adjusted to, or a new car with that special scent that eventually fades away after being driven numerous times. 

As I glance down my hall, my mind wanders to how many times in our life we experience that "new" feeling. Some, seek out that feeling and constantly travel to foreign places. Or buy new blouses, or jeans, or purses that at first have that exciting feel to them, until they are grown out of. Or go out of trend. 

I think back to my childhood, how often my parents reveled at my "newness". My first step, my first word. Then growing up, my first boyfriend, car, and job. Does this "new" feeling slow down as we get older? Is that why growing older seems so depressing to some people? 

As I open the door back to my room, and jump onto my raised bed (that often needs a running start to get onto) I realize that this hall, the bathroom, this dorm room, have become my own. No longer do they belong to my best friend as part of her life. And I know next year I will move out of my room, and both myself, and the person who moves into my former room will experience that new feeling once again.